My husband is the most important person in my family

May be I didn't think this way from the start,  

you know,  during 23 years of my marriage life,  there were ups and downs.

Though we were so much in love with each other when we got married... and love was everything we had that time.

My husband didn't have a job when we got married.

We had no place to stay,  but his friend offered one of the rooms at his house, because his parents were in America.

He was taking master's degree in Filipino,  and may be he wanted to be a teacher,  or translator like his dad.

Though when we decided to get married,  he wanted to be a farmer!

And I agreed.

We had a baby girl a year after our wedding,

and when the baby turned one year old,  he suddenly wanted to go to law school.

So he entered law school,  and became a working student,  and  I started to look for part time job.

I started to teach small Japanese kids here in Metro Manila.

I used to be a kindergarten teacher back in Japan,  so that was something I was good at.

Later on,  I franchised Kumon learning method, and started my Kumon Center in Ayala Alabang village.

My students were mostly Japanese.

That was around the time I happened to meet this Japanese Kumon teacher when my 2 kids were still small,  and my youngest wasn't born yet.

She taught me so many secrets about education and teaching skills.

And one day she told me:

"You should love your husband the most,  2nd your husband, there is no 3rd, and 4th,  and 5th will be your children."

She didn't mean to say we neglect taking care of children.

I think what she meant was the relationship between husband and wife is the most important in family.

In Japan,  we have a saying 

" Children grow up looking at the back of parents."

It means children look at our attitude and how we relate to others including spouse and children,  and they learn from that.

Not only what parents say to children.

Kids are very smart,  and they observe deeply.

If they see husband and wife ( dad and mom) trusting each other, then they learn what it means to trust.

And there are times mom and dad have some problems each other.

And kids are just there,  so often it's a temptation for parents to share the problems to kids.

"Haay,  you dad /mom never helped at something."

"Don't be like your dad /your mom who never learned to bla bla bla..."

But your kids are not counselors.

They are not a sand bag that you can pour your anger.

If you got some problems,  solve it among each other.

Never share those problems to your kids.

Never put down your partner in front of kids,  too.

We say in Japanese that 

"If someone gives negative comments about you,   true or not,  you lose credit and trust."

It's same thing in family.

If mom or dad talks about each other's negative sides,  and kids happened to listen to it,

children think the dad or mom is not trustworthy.

If you have an opinion to tell,  talk about it with your spouse when kids are sleeping or when they are not there.

Let's see...

There are many things so good about my husband,  and one of them is his gratitude to me.

He doesn't forget to tell me "thank you" all the time.

And he never complained about food I cook,  too.

If he doesn't like it,  he may not eat so much,  but he won't say a word.

So you see,  if I write something like this,

you know how wonderful my husband is!

And it's same for children.

Talk to your children how wonderful your husband / wife is.

Children love their parents.

In fact,  they think mom and dad are the best male / female person in the world.

Don't disappoint them.

Everyone has weaknesses. 

One can't change that easily.

But I think it's better not to look at the weaknesses of a person.

Not to expect your partner to change is my advise.

(unless domestic violence or some psychological disorders are involved)

Instead,  mom and dad can help each other and do the things other can't do.

And that's called Love.

There was a time,  my husband was commuting (taking bus and jeep ) going to work to Muntinlupa from our house in Diliman, Quezon City (around 40km),  so he left 5:30 in the morning, and in the afternoon he went to law school until 10 p.m.  My son was one year old that time,  and every night,  I used to pick him up at law school at Makati, because he still had to study before he went to work next day.

Everything is a choice we make.

There's no right or wrong,  and you can't blame anyone if your life is tougher than others.

And I started my life in the Philippines with my husband,  and it was the best thing happened in my life. 

He didn't be a farmer, though...

When Filipino kids are grounded by parents

I recently read a web article saying that in Finland they don't have tests or homework but they maintain the academic level number 1 in the world.

Here's the link of the article, though it's in Japanese.

試験は一切ナシ！学力世界一位「フィンランド」の教育方針のスゴさ
http://news.ameba.jp/20131026-140/

According to the article:

- Kids in Finland don't go to school until they are 7 years old.
- There's almost no homework or test until they get to middle school.
- No academic evaluation until they are 13 years old.
- Mandatory exam required by government is once when they are 16 years old.
- All kids regardless of academic level take same classes together 
- Rate of going to university is 66% which is the highest in EU nations
- Science laboratory is done with maximum of 16 kids so that everyone can join.
- Break time of kids in elementary school is 75 min ( 27min in USA).
- All the educational expenses are paid by government
- All the teachers are required to have master's degree

Anyway, I'm not going to talk about education in Finland today.

I want to talk about "Grounded kids"
because I used to wonder why and what is "grounded"  everytime I hear about it from my kids or from Filipino parents.

In Japan, most of the kids are just playing until they go to school when they are 6 years old.

But I found out that it's not the case here in the Philippines.
My eldest entered the nursery,  kids study!


Well, studying is okay, I guess.
Kids are capable to learn anything when they are young.
They can learn academic, or other things such as motor skills during play.
Discover nature and learn to observe, etc.

But I think generally speaking, Filipino schools or Filipino parents focus too much on academic and grades they get from school.

And I happened to hear from my kids' friends often that they are grounded sometimes, thus they can't play with my kids for how many days, or how many weeks. Sometimes they are not allowed to go out to watch movie, or play computer games.

And here I am.
I never really focused on grades or results of tests my kids brought home.
I looked at test papers, and find the mistakes, and since it's in English (except Filipino subject), I tried to find the correct answers, or try to find out why my kids made a mistake.

Learning something is always fun to me and to my kids.
Finding the reason of mistakes was fun, too.
And they learn from their mistakes quickly.

I wasn't a smart mom, and that was a good thing, too.
I forget so easily, such as things to submit to school, the payment due, etc.
So my kids learned to remind me, instead of I reminding them.

I know most of Filipino parents like to tell their kids to study well, so get good grades, and sometimes they offer rewards, or condition or punishment.

But then I want to ask those parents.
What do you think they learn if you tell them to give either rewards or punishment?

To me, the kids learn to work to please their parents, because they want to be acknowledged?
All the kids want to get the attention of parents and it hurts if they know parents won't like them if they don't get good grades. 

Parents may not mean that way, but kids take it that way.

Or kids learn to work because they get rewards.
So for whom or for what are they really studying? 
What is the goal of their study? 
Though kids often like to achieve that goal so that rewards can be given.
That strategy works often.
They know they want some material such as expensive games, or trip to abroad, etc.

And here's my experience I want to share.

I once was teaching and there was a time I had some rewards to their achievement.
Some small item such as pencils or erasers.
While the rewards were attractive,  kids did achieve so fast, 
but when it wasn't attractive anymore,  they lost interests, and became lazy. 
They started to demand me nicer prizes, too.

So what I made kids learn was to have a mind to work if only something was given.
They weren't studying because the learning was fun.
They were simply aiming for the rewards.

And I felt so guilty.
Because kids were capable,  as it was proven through the rewards system,
 but I failed to teach the fun part of studying.
Just because I connected to rewards.

And lastly, what if you connect it to punishment, such as grounding kids, not make them play with friends, or not make them go out if they get low.
Do they learn to find the love for studying that way?

I don't think so.

In fact, they might start lying to parents if they get low in tests just so that they can avoid the punishment.

They learn to hide things,  and if they can get away with it, they try to get away.
And that habit will continue even when they grow up.

They also learn to work because they fear the punishment.
So it's same as the rewards.
They don't work that hard if they are not punished, or threatened.

Because in the first place, the purpose of the study was mislead to kids.

It is the message those parents gave them indirectly.

"Study because I scare you."
"Study because I give you rewards"

Later on the messages will be like 

"You are good because you got good grades"
"You are not good enough because you didn't get good grades."

But here's my question.

If kids get good grades, can you really say kids learned well?
What I mean is that how perfectly you could evaluate a person (or a child) how much he/she learned from the grades given by some teachers?

For me learning is important, 
but getting good grades is not important because it's only part of what they learn.

Learning is something like you read, understand, digested, and it becomes part of you.

Sometimes my youngest and I study our weakest subject which is social study in Filipino.
And even she memorized everything, she gets low in tests because often she can't understand the instructions in Filipino,  or exam came out in different way. 
Sometimes there is a question which was not taught.
Like last time, teacher showed the Ateneo de Manila school logo, and wanted her students to name it.
Very few got it because it was not in hand out given by the teacher.
It's just that my daughter often play in Ateneo, so she knew it.

So if you look their test paper closely, 
you can see the weakness of teachers, too.

My daughter can answer those social study questions if I ask her in English.
It's just that it is given in Filipino,  and I don't speak Filipino well,  so she can't understand the questions often.

But to me,  if she can answer in English,  I think she learned it well.

And there's even more.
Kids who are scared or threaten by parents think they are not good enough.
Or they think they can't really show their true self,  or true feelings to their parents.

They value themselves low, because the ruler parents use is valuing by grades.

We know that what matters in life is not only grades.

Parents may not mean that way. 
But that's what kids think.

And they also develop a habit of working on it because they are threatened.
Or that's how I feel often.

Because once I talked to high school teachers, and they said it is important to fail some of students in the first exam,  so they get serious and study better.

I wonder why.

Is it same as my house hold helpers (stay-in maids) who don't work if I don't scold them?
I often ask them "So which do you like? You want to be scolded or you do work without being scolded?"

They say they don't want to be scolded,   but they can't work without being scolded.
As if they are waiting to be punished.

I think they got so used to be threatened that they became very passive, 
and lost interest or lost self esteem,  lost the ability to think on their own, 
and they are simply want to follow what parents say, so that they are safe.

And those kids tend to value others by grades, too.

Growing up is about making mistakes.
There're many things parents want to tell them,  because we know how to avoid trouble.

But I think we need to trust them,  and allow them to make mistakes.

Though I admit that I am a mom who really look at their studies.
Mainly because I feel fun to learn what they are learning.
And I normally research some more and share what I find out with my kids.

I don't care if it's not related to their current studies.
I just want to know,  and I feel excited if I find something new.
My kids enjoy what I find out most of the time,  
or occasionally they are just amused to see how excited I am.

But what ever I do,  I don't say anything to their grades, or results of their test papers.
I look at the mistakes and that's all.
I look at mistakes and ask them why it was wrong.
If they don't know why, then I tell them.
But first I ask them to think about it.

Sometimes they didn't see part of instructions, 
sometimes they read one number wrong because the way of writing number zero looks like 6.
Or they didn't memorize everything and it came out in exam.
I just want them to realize why it got wrong, and that's it.

So what I want to happen is that kids can learn by themselves,
in the future,  even I don't guide them anymore,  they can find the reason why something went wrong, think about it,  and learn to correct it.

That's called responsibility.

And each child is gifted with something.
Not all kids are gifted in academic.

And to me,  it is not true that if they get good grades,  they can get high paying job, and be happy.
Sometimes those who get low grades are also successful in life.
Sometimes people get a job they like, and even they don't get paid well, they are happy.

To me,  it's not just by chance that they are successful or happy.
Tomorrow is about today.