Wednesday, December 24, 2014

My 10 year-old daughter feeling teased by other children


I don't think this is bullying... it's more like "getting picked on"  without physical violence.

And my 10 years old daughter doesn't know how to handle the situation.  Being the youngest, but more like an only child because of her age gap to elder siblings,  she is a bit emotional when it comes to teasing.  

Recently,  according to her,  she cried because someone said she and one boy in same group like each other. 

I think she didn't mind it at first, but the person ( or group of them, I don't know) didn't stop saying it. 

I think regardless of age,  sometimes people like to say things which others don't like to hear,  and just repeat it many times so to see the reaction,  and it may be fun for those who like to enjoy seeing the reaction. 

It is a sign, to me,  the person is seeking attention,  and although it's not a healthy kind,  nor healthy way,  it might be healthy for the person who's doing it,   because he /she needs to feel loved.  

Getting attention is pretty similar feeling as being loved.

Suppose parents give full attention to children,  and make sure we give unconditional love.  

But sometimes parents are working,  or busy with something else,  or they don't know how to express their love to children,  so some children are lonely. 

It is easy for us to just scold the child and tell him / her not to do it, but it won't solve the real problem,  specially the one who's making fun of others.  

Though allowing them to continue doing it won't solve the situation, too.

Almost the same psychology exists in domestic violence or power harassment, too.  They are taking advantage of weaker one who don't really fight back,  or don't know how to fight back. 

Fighting back I mean is not really the real fight,  but how to deal with it without physical violence or having argument.  Because that is the thing they want if they are seeking for attention.

This is one of websites I found "how to deal" for your children. 

SPECIFIC STRATEGIES TO TEACH YOUR CHILD TO DEAL WITH TEASING (by the Massachusetts Child Psychiatry Access Project )

But for now,  I just simply try to listen to her more than giving specific advises.  

To me,  if a child can express his / her feelings to others, then he /she will feel much better and look at it more objectively.  

And since it's not at her school,  and easy for me to be around,  I'll try to stay closer,  so I can monitor her better.  

I once was a bullied child,  back in Japan.  In my case,  it involved physical and verbal violence and destruction of my possessions.  In my daughter's case,  it's not this kind of bullying.   But it has to stop as well.   

One thing I know is that,  you can't change the children who do this.   Parents might listen, but it's unlikely that they come up with good solution.

And I know I shouldn't tell my daughter to be stronger because it is her limitation already.  

It is hard for her to rely on other adults involve in the place,  because I don't think they can see what's really happening.   If it happens in front of adults,  they know they will be stopped and warned.  So they are good at doing it not seen. 

Though at school,  my daughter likes to tell teachers when she sees teasing.  She also boldly tell the bully to stop saying thing like this or that.  But she is shy to tell when it comes to her.

Anyway one important stance that parents could take is ( to me) is that we need to give assurance to our children that if it hurts him / her so much,  it is okay to be absent from school,  change school,  or leave certain group.   There is alway a way not to be teased, which is to stay away from those people.   It might be the last option,  but giving assurance would give certain peace to children.  

But for now, I don't think it's in that level yet.  They seem to be playing together happily when I see them.  They might even forget about it soon after this new year vacation. 

Sunday, January 12, 2014

My run away house hold helper


My house hold helper (in the Philippines, we call them maids) run away without proper resignation.



She came to work with us on November 25, 2013,

and  told my driver on her first day that she plans to run away once she is allowed to have a day off.



The people belong to lower class have a kind of strong bonding or unity here in the Philippines, and they have a tendency to keep secrets among each other, so my driver didn't tell me.


It turned out as if my driver protected her, but actually he didn't mean to protect her.  There is a culture here that it is not a good act to report someone to authority or boss, because a person will be facing some kind of consequence, or punishment.   It's considered betrayal and Filipino community has a way to make them outcast who reported, or attack them verbally.

Not all are like that, but there is a culture like that among some people here in the Philippines.

That is one of the reasons many companies are experiencing stealing from employees and yet hard to catch them.

Anyway, my maid who run away lives in Las PiƱas, Metro Manila, and she has 5 children from high school to 9 years old.  Her husband is a family driver, but I think currently he is out of job, because he had an affair with someone's wife,  and the girl is an employee in the office of his boss who has a beauty salon.  The husband of the girl (so SHE is married!) threatened him, so he couldn't go to work or something.

So it is my guess that she thought about working just for December when kids have no school.

Although she said she wants to work to save college tuition fee for her eldest who's soon graduation high school. 

She didn't have a day-off since she came to my house on November 25, told me she wants to go day-off on December 31,  but because my family traveled from Dec 29- Jan 1,  she took advantage and left on Dec 30. Yet,  she asked me to pay for her day-off she didn't take. (They are allowed 2 times a month, and I normally pay for a day-off if they don't avail it).

Her starting salary was 5000 pesos (around $116 USD) per month,  plus food allowance of 500 pesos per week (free seasoning and basic vegetables, etc). 

For the month of December, she received around 8000 pesos (around $186), it is because of Christmas bonus and tips we gave when we had parties at home. 

I don't think her salary is considered low in Metro Manila for maids, I give Social Security, Philippine Health, and Pag-ibig, too.

When we came back from vacation trip, and found out that she is unlikely to come back, and I tried to call her mobile phone, but she changed her sim card, thus we can't contact her anymore, I felt annoyed.

If she really told me honestly, and begged me, I could have allowed her to leave.

In fact, during her stay with us, I kept telling her that I allowed all the maids who wish to leave, and never stopped them, and she agreed that proper resignation is important.

And if she told me earlier,  I could have a chance to find her replacement, too.

But she didn't care.

I wasn't to obliged to give Christmas bonus under the law, but it's Christmas, you know, and I wanted her to have little additional for her family.  I also gave her Christmas ham (in the Philippines, they call it Hamon de bola), and she all took them, though I was wondering why she was no smiling when she received them.  

And all of these were just taken it for granted.

She just didn't care for us, and she didn't care for the other maids who will have hard time without her.

She also stole her contract of employment.

We are supposed to inform each other 15 days notice in case of termination, but she didn't want to follow from the start. (Her 6 months contract, too) 

And in the Philippines, a lot of people don't follow laws, but they don't get caught, or they don't face the consequences.  

I'm not generalizing Filipinos,  but many people belong to lower class are used to do what they want to do,  and they call it "freedom of choice". 

(Again, not all the Filipinos are like her. There are more sincere, honest  people than those who are not, I think. But it's true that there are some like her.)

It's a freedom without responsibility, but those people are not taught that one has to act with responsibility.

Since she got a lot of cash because it was December and we had many home parties, she had enough cash for a month or two.

And by the time she run out of cash, probably she must be hoping for her husband to get a good job.

But my concern here is the honesty.

She got away from me by lying.
And that's the attitude she has to everything. 

I’m not just talking about a lie.
I’m talking about her principle in life or philosophy she has, or how she holds herself to society. 

Her kids learn her attitude, too, by looking at her.
Even she doesn't tell her kids that she lied to me, 
every word, every action shows how she thinks. 

A lot of Filipino parents want their kids to get good jobs, but if they are not sincere to others,  if parents are not honest, if their attitude is selfish, then kids learn that way, too.

In Japan, we say "Spit toward heaven (sky), it falls on to your face".


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For your information:

My maid who run away is 
Maunag de Espiritu, Elma y Lamila

Here is the copy of her NBI clearance.
(you can click to enlarge the image)